On failure
13 months ago was the start of a series of meltdowns. All the work I’d put in for the previous 3 years was collapsing around me. 2 rounds of covid lockdowns; 3 black swan events in the crypto space; a series of missed deadlines; promises undelivered.
Fielding the abuse, hatred, anger and disappointment from investors and a community that we’d started building only added to the belief that I was a failure.
I went into a downward spiral where I questioned everything, including whether or not I should exist at all.
My dance with depression is a familiar one and it’s a dark space that I’ve been in in many significant parts of my life. This one felt different, as I was publicly visible. I failed in publicly. I had investors in two ventures. I had two teams, filled with lots of great talented people; lots of great people who I hired for the right role at the wrong time.
It took me a long time, a lot of space and some deep inner work to come back to the reality that I’d failed. Failure is part of it all, failing forward is a concept in startup land. Failing is part of the creative process.
Yes, I failed — failed miserably and publicly which added to my misery and deep feeling of shame. I became so familiar with depression and shame that they formed part of my identity for the best part of a year.
I was a statistical failure. Yay me.
As I began to surface from this very dark period, I made some choices. I put everything on hold so I could reflect, reassess, rest and refocus. Much to the chagrin of my web3 community and to some investors in a different venture.
Failure is the opportunity to take stock and to remember.
Am I genuinely committed to my vision?
Is this vision something worth fighting — worth dying— for?
Does my vision serve the world?
Can I dust myself off and keep going with my vision?
All of the above.
The rearview mirror became my most valuable tool. This 12-month hiatus has given me the space to recalibrate and tap back into my vision, and to breathe new life into the work I’d been doing.
With hindsight comes clarity. With hard work comes clarity and the unpicking of self-loathing. With clarity comes the ability to put words to my understanding. With understanding comes a new perspective.
Battered, bruised, bleeding and scarred. That was me. The scars remain, and it’s time to resurface. Somewhat different, yet still the same.
Is it over? No, not over. Somewhat the same, but very different. What I’ve been working on is the same vision, but the form has had to change. Somethings old, somethings new, somethings borrowed, I no longer feel blue.
With love, always.
Don’t go just yet.
The fat lady hasn’t sung yet. If you’ve failed at something or many things, I hope this piece gives you something. If you’re scared of starting something for fear of failing, know that it’s all temporary.
I hope this piece gives you comfort that things can always improve.
On failure
Failing. Falling. Failing forward, face first through a mirror of hope, a shattered thunderous storm of shards, cutting, the pain.
Every vision thought idea dream person ally plan action belief blood sweat laugh tear … fractured into a thousand pieces, each piece, needling my skin, my heart, my mind, my soul. Each piece howling; a piercing pitch, a chaotic orchestra of demons; a chorus on repeat.
Failing. Falling … falling face first into an abyss of thick, raw, viscous webs, and as I fall enveloped in a new thick layered web, each one holding a memory of the past — a failure here, a wrongdoing there. Falling. Falling. Another web. A shard inhaled.
That word of anger can’t be retracted, a hurt inflicted, a past misstep, a name called, an insult hurled; that walk of shame. Failing, falling. Another web. Another shard piercing. A trust misplaced, a boundary unset. A vision hijacked, a choice, regret. Failing. Falling. Another web, thicker. A judgment made, one returned. A separation, a final bridge burned. Falling. Falling.
Deeper, the spiralling abyss, each web layering the last until I fall face first at the floor of the abyss, battered, bruised, withdrawn, cocooned. From man to caterpillar, reduced. A pupa of regret, shame, fear and loathing.
Caterpillar dissolves, head turns to mush. Segment by segment.
Crushed.
That moment, that feeling. Defeat. The end. The straw. The thoughts. The echo. The noise. The repeat. The breath pairs shorter, compressed, depressed. Stop it … that feeling … breathe it … repress it … compress it. The thoughts. The echo. The noise. The repeat. Bystander, don’t kick. Leave. Leave that feeling of defeat to me. Leave me, the fear and loathing is mine.
A side-note, dear friend. That relatable story about your experience? Similar, not same. That story is yours, not mine. Similar, not same. That upbeat reassurance that it’ll be ok? Don’t. Just don’t. Hold. Don’t speak. Listen. The space is for you to hold. Allow my tension, please don’t resolve. Don’t tell me that things will be right. I want you to ask me if I’m alright. Don’t ask me to learn the lesson as I’m lain bleeding and torn. Hold. Hold space. Let me wallow, let me feel. Let me just be.
Breathing. Changing. Feeling. Being. Falling face first into the depths of my soul.
Segment by segment. Crushed. Beating. Nascent. Breathing.
An intricate dance. Waking. Clearer. Regret, shame, fear, loathing. Clearing. Antenna forming. Still cocooned. Time. Space. Breathing. In. Out. In. Out. Breathing. In. Out. In. Out.
Time. Breathe in. Space. Hold.
Time. Space.
Breathing. Changing. Feeling. Being. Thoughts slowed. (Re)emerging. Down, not out. Beaten, not defeated. Same, but changed. Antenna formed. Wings growing. Cocoon falling away.
What did I learn? What did I do? How did I do? Where did I go? Where can I go? The mirror, rear view. Each step, a monument to failure.
The lesson the message the reason. The shards embedded. Remember. Halt the regret, but I won’t forget.
Falling forward, face first into Dharma; not Karma.
Wings emerge. Blood has dried, scars remain. I’m somewhat different, yet still the same.
The fall, the fail, (re)Creation. The (re)Vision. Somewhat different yet still the same.
A vision worth failing for.
Wings.
